15: Gripped by the Grump

Friday brought some challenges. It was the only day besides Burn night that things didn't go perfectly. In the end, tit all worked out, though.

We were chilling out at camp in the mid-morning, munching on breakfast and starting to think about the day when a friend of a friend asked if she could borrow someone's bike. Being the nice person that she is, Lu offered her's. And of course, as everyone knows, no good deed goes unpunished.

I was a little grumpy waking up on Friday morning. We'd rolled back to camp around two or three, totally drained from the day and evening and trip. After the Thunderdome we rode around a lot more, all the way back to the Fringe camp where we heard Blvd. play, and boy was it great to hear some live music. I can do the dj-techo-house-dub dancing as well as the next guy, but it's really not my thing. I like drums played side by side with guitars, basses and sick keyboards. I like rock'n roll and that was scarce at Burning Man. Friday morning waking up I mentioned that to Lu, and how if I had to hear any more dub I was going to flip out, and even as my words hung in the hot tent air, the speakers out in camp began to pump softly with the beats I'd begun to dread. And I was parched. As thirsty and dusty and drained as I'd ever been. The tent was opressive so we struggled out to where the day was even hotter.

Water, breakfast, shade. I was irritable, though and wasn't getting into the whole swing of things the way I wanted to. Just feel it, be grumpy, let it pass through and then let it go, I thought, but Lu offering her bike up got me worried. She offered so quickly and then the girl was gone before any real discussion about where, why and when that I just knew trouble was coming. A hour later when we were finally ready to leave my worst fears were realized.

"She's not coming back," I told Lu as we wrangled with this problem of no transportation. We had high hopes that Friday was going to be the day to go out, see it all and take awesome pictures. Now it looked like we'd be lucky to have even a couple of hours to explore if we had to sit around waiting for her to come back with the bike.

"I thought she was just going to the bathroom," Lu replied.

"I know. But you should have asked her or something. You just gave her the bike without saying anything! Your most important possession out here besides water, and you have no idea where she went, when she'll be back. I mean what if she leaves it and it gets stolen? I understand being nice and all, but you gotta think about who you're handing your bike off to, and what they planned on doing with it!"

"I know. I'm sorry."

"I know you are. And I'm sorry that I'm mad but fuckin'a I'm pissed off!"

But of course there were solutions. We could have walked, but that would have severely limited our exploration options. Although it would have been better than doing nothing at all. We could have hopped on an artcar, but that really never even crossed our mind. Eventually after talking to a few people about our issue, Darren offered to let us borrow his bike. Perfect! Of course, it was I who had to ride the onespeed dirtbike because it was too big for Lu, while she could fit on my bike, barely. So we rode, but the grump still gripped me.

I am a creature tied deeply to my emotions. Although I think carefully about so many aspects of life, the fact is, I am often at the mercy of the raging chemicals and hormones that power the vast array of emotions within us. Everyone is, I believe, but it seems that often, I don't hide it very well. On the other hand, by feeling it, but experiencing it, by talking about how I feel and yelling when I'm made and laughing loud when I'm happy and crying when I'm sad, at my core I feel clean and happy and balanced. I don't swallow bitterness, I bitch. I don't supress rage, I flail and rail and stamp around. And when I'm psyched and happy and having fun, you better be on board or out of the way 'cause sometimes I get a little bull-in-the-china shopish, as is my wont as a Taurus. So finally out on Darren's bike, I pedaled pissed.

The sun was fucking hot. The dust had my nose a bloody mess every time I blew it. Backpedaling on the bike brought me to a sudden halt so I knew not to do that anymore.

"So what do you want to do?" Lu asked me. "How can I make this day go alright? I can't change the fact that I let her use the bike, but we're out now so can we just try and have some fun? What do you want me to do?"

"Get me drunk," I bit back bitterly, and I hated myself for it. I didn't want to be mad, but I was pissed! The rational part of me knew I was being stupid, but there was nothing I could do to make the emotional part of me stop it. And I guess I kinda liked it. Sometimes it just feels good to be pissed off, to be not taking shit, to be calling out the world on it's stupidity and assholery and foolishness. "I mean who does that!?" I demanded. "Who borrows someone's bike for the whole fucking day? Did she think we weren't going to need it at one point or another? Couldn't she consider that maybe borrowing didn't mean all day? Does she think it's her's for the night, too? I mean, come ON! What the fuck!?"

"She just didn't realize, I'm sure. I didn't say I needed it back or anything, so maybe she just doesn't realize how long she's been away."

"Well she's been away too long and it fucking sucks." Ah, melodrama. I knew I was taking it to well past where it needed to go, but I wanted to vent and this was the only way to do it.

We got to center camp and it was our first time checking it out. Centercamp was at 6 oclock, right in the middle of the Esplanade's arc. It was, in fact, right behind the Colossus, which was the three-armed rope and rock structured that we'd turned and swung on the night before. It was just as large, unusual and imposing in the daylight as it had been the night before. We rode past it towards the large main tent.

Inside was busy. A large group of people were doing some kind of weird chant in the middle of the tent. Half would chant "Hoo!" and the other would respond with "Haa!" and as they did it, they'd raise their arms and toss out their fingers like they were flicking the sound at one another. There was glee and bliss on many faces. What the fuck is this shit? was all I could think. Around the edges of the tent in various work areas were people giving massages and doing body manipulation and yoga. Fucking hippies. Their New Age life-force cosmic connection seriousness almost made me puke. I went to sit down, but someone stepped up onto the seat to see just as I was getting there. I stopped and then glowered and then continued on. But Lu wasn't behind me, she had stopped somewhere and was taking a picture. "Where the fuckisshe?" I muttered. Finally she caught up and we moved on through the center camp throng. And it was a throng but there were some only wearing thongs and other naked guys here and there. A guy who's clothes were covered with candies that people picked from eagerly, but to me he was just in my way causing a crowd as I tried to get by. Then the weird guy who wanted to chat with me. Then the guy complaining about the heat. Then irritation from within that I didn't know what I wanted to do next, how to get rid of this terrible mood and what I was going to if that girl didn't bring Lu's bike back before the fun of Friday night. And there were two things for sale at center camp: ice and coffee. I wanted to get some of each 'cause camp needed ice and I needed coffee, but the lines for both were so damn long I just said fuckit.

Sitting there in the shade, though, Lu and I finally just talked it all out, I vented, she listened, she responded, I listened, then we did the only thing we could think of to try and put it behind and that was laughter. I tried on silliness. She used irony and exaggeration. Little smiles glimmered on our faces, then with gentle coaxing by her and deep breathes from me, I felt the stupid anger finally start to lift away. I was guzzling water by this point, too, and that made a huge difference, I'm sure. They said on the web page that if you started to get irritable, that you weren't drinking enough water. I had started guzzling as we left the camp and had been doing it steadily since, and I'm certain the re-hydration was essential to my mood improvement. I had always known that water was important, but in the last few days out there in the desert that point was driven home quite thoroughly.